Guilt And Forgiveness In Parenting
Guilt in parenting is a common feeling throughout a parent’s journey. As we all know, we do not get instruction manuals for our children. Thus, parents can feel quite on their own while needing to make daily decision for their child.
Most times, the decisions and actions you choose to do towards your child will be helpful; other times, decisions and actions you will make will not be the best. Usually this happens when your resources are low ( i.e. not enough sleep, over worked, pressures from family, financial pressures) and your child is not listening to what you need them to do or they are down right refusing. It is in these moments where the yelling, demanding, or aggressiveness arises in the interaction. Not fun for anyone involved! This is where parents feel the most guilt and as we can all understand, feeling guilt is a very common experience in parenting.
A more sinister dynamic of guilt is how closely it resembles shame. Shame is a similar experience, but it is quite a different emotion. It is “heavier” and feels permanent. Shame is linked to a belief about who you are (your character) whereas guilt is feeling bad about a behavior that was not helpful. It could be said -- shame is character based, guilt is behavior based. When feeling shame, you will construct beliefs that are “all or nothing” and not based in the Truth of who you are. For example, “I will never be a good parent” or “I will not be good enough as a mother or father” or “ I will never be able to not damage my child” to name a few. These belief systems can get deeply rooted and will become very difficult to uproot. Obviously, letting shame take hold of you is something we want to avoid. The key in parenting is to “settle” the guilt feelings as soon as possible because if the wrong behaviors are not righted, shame will begin to take hold of your emotional world.
The key to “settle” guilt feelings and stop shame from taking root is the act of forgiveness. In particular, forgiveness to yourself and your child. To do this, move into an intentional space as soon as possible after you have chosen to do an unhelpful behavior by simply asking for forgiveness from your child. Use the guilt feelings as motivation to rectify the situation and move forward. Remember your child is very resilient and only wishes to stay connected with you. Once you have asked for forgiveness and you have forgiven yourself, shame has no place in stay in your emotional world. It is here where you will begin to start feeling more free.
As you develop the practice of asking for forgiveness, shame will be kept at the door. You will feel better about your parenting and it will create a deeper bond with your child. Moreover, your child will grow to have a greater appreciation for you as they will know you care deeply about the relationship with them. I hope this understanding helps build a stronger connection to your child by filling it with more moments of love and repair, all the while instilling a deeper care for yourself and confidence in your parenting abilities.